That's Your Horoscope for Today Naruto!
by Dattebayo Girl
Summary: The Year's still fresh, So it's time to hand out horoscopes for 2008! It doesn't seem to be going well, I wonder why? Actual Birthdays, Based on Weird Al's song


This was supposed to be my first fanfic of the year, but just yesterday, I accidentally put something else up, and I originally wanted to put this up the first day of the New Year (Which was Gai Day by the way) but my friend had the story I wrote down, but hey, it's never too late for a fanfiction! X3

Ok, so this story will be a two shot, cause there were two horoscopes I messed up on (matched the wrong people with the wrong… sign thingy) so, I guess you could call the second chapter a "blooper chapter" or something.

Also, please don't attack me if I put the wrong date or sign somewhere… most of them are right, but I think Kakashi's and maybe a few others's dates are wrong, but you know what? I don't care, and neither should you.

…. Enjoy!!!

Naruto doesn't belong to me, DATTEBAYO!

Weird Al also doesn't belong to me! Neither does his music.

I'm also gonna put the birthday dates next to their names

Ex: (Oct 10) Naruto: blah, Dattebayo!

_And stuff like this is part of the song! You should look it up, it's funny. It's called __**"That's Your Horoscope for Today" **__by __**Weird Al. **__It's funny even if you've never heard the song before. _

… _Once again, enjoy!!!_

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_**Aquarius!**_** (Jan 20-Feb 18)**  
_There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus…_

(Jan 25)Yondaime (4th Hokage A.K.A. Naruto's dad): … I don't think we have buses yet… Or have you all done a lot while I was gone?

(Jan 23) Shino: …No, We don't have any buses yet, but still… That sounds kind of painful…

Yondaime: Yea, no kidding…

(Jan 24) Inochi (Ino's dad): OMG! Aren't you supposed to be dead?!

Yondaime: Huh? I guess so…

_Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day!_

(Feb 10) Uchiha Obito: …? What is this?

(Kakashi: -gasp- My Obito senses are tingling!! –Looks around-)

(Feb 15) Tayuya (part of Sound 5): My life is not pathetic!!!

(Feb 08) 3rd Hokage: Whack-A-Mole? Ah, the good old days….

Obito and Tayuya: -Stare-

3rd Hokage: What? It was a good game…  
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_**Pisces!**_** (Feb 29 –Mar 20)**  
_Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus…_

(March 09) Tenten: I…. don't get it… wouldn't you avoid _anyone_ with any kind of virus?

(Mar 08) Ebisu (uh, what should I call him? Naruto's temp trainer and watcher of Konohamaru…?) : That seems about right Miss Tenten –Fixes his glasses- This song is idiotic anyways…

_  
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say!!!_

(Mar 18) Kisame: Hell yea!!! That's what I'm talking about! –Dances-

(Feb 29) Kabuto: …idiot…

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_**Aries!**_** (Mar 21-Apr 19)**  
_The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon!_

(Apr 13) Inuzuka Hana (Kiba's sister): ... Excuse me?

(Mar 27) Hyuuga Hinabi (Hinata's little sister): -fearfully- Where is my colon?!

(Mar 28) Sakura: … That's impossible… and this is coming from a medic's point of view.

_  
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep…_

Hana: … Give what to who now? –Raises eyebrow-

Sakura: -horrified blush- what kind of a horoscope is that?! We're all girls!

Hinabi: … What's a hickey?

Hana and Sakura: … -blush- …

Hinabi: fine! If you won't tell me, I'll ask Neji-nii-san! –Stomps off-

Hana and Sakura: … -super blush- …

---------------

_**Taurus!**_** (Apr 20-May 20)**  
_You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it!?_

(May 15) Kankuro: Erm, no, but that kinda sucks…

(May 01) Choji: What do they mean by "true" happiness? I'm pretty happy…

_  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep!_

(Apr 22)Chouza (Choji's dad): well that's… vague…

(May 09) Datte-chan (me!!): Exactly what I had planned for tomorrow! This is song is great!

Chouza: …_  
_------------------

_  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today!  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today!_

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_**Gemini!**_** (May 21-June 21)**  
_Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence!_

(June 06) Itachi: I will find the maker of this song… and have my revenge… -leaves-

(May 26) Iruka: explosive? What kind of horoscope is that? … Did I just see Itachi?!

_  
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancée hurls a javelin through your chest!  
_

(June 12) Dosu (guy from Chunnin Exams with fuzzy back XD): Not married... or engaged… I don't even have a girlfriend… aww…

(June 15) Kimimaro (Bone guy from Sound 5): …. OROCHMARU WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT CARED FOR ME! YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND! … -eye twitch-

(June 20) Sakon and Ukon (two headed dude from Sound 5): … We're… not in a relationship at the moment…

(June 11) Kurenai: Excuse me? There will be more than love troubles if Asuma points anything like that my way! –Evil female aura that surpasses Sakura's-

Sakon, Ukon, Kimimaro, Dosu: … -inwardly wincing-

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_**Cancer!**_** (June 22- July 22)**  
_The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud!_

(July 21) Kotetsu (Feel free to correct me, but he's a Chunnin exam proctor dude or something…): huh… interesting

(July 17) Genma (Same thing, the one with the toothpick): Who signed me up for this?

(July 15) Shikaku (Shikamaru's dad): This is nothing but an annoyance… -sigh-

_  
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test!_

(July 03) Neji: Who's the one in charge around here? They will pay dearly for this little pathetic stunt…

(July 06) Kin (Girl that caused Sakura to cut her hair): We don't have drivers tests… do we?

(July 07) Kiba: There's no way I would do that! I mean, come on, I couldn't even fit the thing in my mouth, how the hell am I supposed to get it in my nose, right Akamaru?

(July 07) Akamaru: Bark!

Neji: … Idiot…

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_**Leo!**_** (July 23- Aug 22)**  
_Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no!_

(Aug 02) Tsunade: Who's the boss of me? Or am I the boss who's supposed to get stapled?

(July 23) Sasuke: … -Silently puts away his "photo copies" - …

Tsunade: … Sasuke…

Sasuke: … damn! –Takes off running-

_  
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik!_

(Aug 15) Zabuza: actually, being around the water a lot, I got around to hating fish of any kind… although I do like pudding… and Quik… but… I'm dead…

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_**Virgo**_** (Aug 23 – Sept 22) **  
_All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you!_

(Sept 15) Kakashi: I know he's here somewhere, my senses were tingling! –Looks for Obito-

(Sept 22) Shikamaru: What a surprise, yet another insulting song… How troublesome…

(Aug 23) Temari: oh, I dunno, I find this kinda funny

Shikamaru: … congrads… -mutters: what a drag…-

_  
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick!_

(Sept 14) Zaku (wind tunnel duuude): -running around- AHHHH!

(Sept 07) Shibi (Shino's father): … What are you doing?

Zaku: didn't you hear? We're gonna die a horrible death!

Shibi: if I heard my son correctly, he said you had your arms broken, twice, then was used as a sacrifice… arnt you already dead?

Zaku: What's your freakin point old man?

Shibi: … -eye twitch- … old? -Glares down at Zaku-

Zaku: ... HELP!

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__

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today!  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today!

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true!

Where was I? 

---------_  
_

_**Libra!**_** (Sept 23 – Oct 23)**  
_A big promotion is just around the corner-_

(Oct 10) Naruto: Yessssss I'm gonna be Hokage, Datte-

_- For someone much more talented that you!_

Naruto: Eh?!

(Oct 18) Asuma: huh… I have a feeling that Kurenai is mad at me for some reason… I wonder what I did now… Oh, look! I bet Kurenai would love this! –Picks up random javelin-

_  
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week!_

(Sept 23) Ino: -Starts to laugh at everyone else, then stops suddenly- Wait, what? Sakuraaaaaa! Tsunade-samaaaaa! Helllllp! –Runs off to find them-

(Oct 21) Miszuki (Guy at the very beginning who tried to use Naruto to get a scroll): Oh please, this stuff is just a whole bunch of crap… right? … Hello?

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_**Scorpio!**_** (Oct 24- Nov 21)**  
_Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window!_

(Oct 24) Anko: Erm, ok, this is complete crap…

(Nov 18) Shizune: I dunno, I am pretty far up in the Hokage tower everyday… and Tsuande-sama loves to break that window…

Anko: -eye roll-

_  
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak!_

(Nov 11) Jiraiya: That's condescending and contradicting…

(Nov 02) Hayate (Coughing dude from Chunnin exams): Yea…

(Oct 27) Orochi(mochi)maru: Mm-hm

Jiraiya: What the- What are you two doing here? One's supposed to be dead and the other, well, we all know about you Orochimaru…

Orochimaru: -grins- just paying everyone a little visit, besides, we just happen to have the same sign… now where is that Sasuke?

Jiraiya: …

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_**Sagittarius!**__** (Nov 22-Dec 21)**__  
All your friends are laughing behind your back, (-Demonic voice-: kill them)_

(Gaara: … Anyone wanna switch birthdays with me?)

(Nov 27) Lee: This action is most unyouthful… I have to wonder how Gai-sensei is doing…

(Dec 20) Oboro (the yellow mud guy or guys from forest of death): Sounds like fun

(Dec 16) Kidoumaru (spider-man! XD that Neji fought): It does!

_  
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den!_

Oboro: What?!

Kidoumaru: Wtf? I'm not having fun anymore…

Lee: o.o? This is most unyouthful as well! Who is this Ernest?

------------_  
_

_  
__**Capricorn!**__** (Dec 22- Jan 19)**__  
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying…_

(Dec 27) Hinata: t-they are? –faints-

(Dec 30) Konohamaru (3rd Hokage's grandson): That's mean! I'll be the next Hokage, even before Naruto, so you're not allowed to say anything to me like that!

(Naruto: No you wont you little brat, Dattebayo!)

(Jan 19) Gaara: I'm still offering to switch over to Sagittarius. Is it legal?

_  
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again!_

(Jan 9) Haku: well… that's… interesting…

(Jan 1) Gai: This song is most unyouthful! I hope Lee is fairing well… but of course he is! He is _my _student after all! –Dazzling smile-

Gaara: Is there an office where I could change my birthday? I should be allowed to; I am the Kazekage after all…

---------------__

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today!  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today!

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today!  
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)  
That's your horoscope for today! 

---------End!--------

R&R please… I mean, you've already gotten one R down by this point, why don't you help someone out (like me) by completing the other?


End file.
